drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
