there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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