So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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