You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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