I met the friendliest cop last night
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
