were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
