there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
