Plan B is the new Plan A
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
