shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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