i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
