I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
