there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
