so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I AM VODKA MAN
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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