listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Randomize
