Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
