He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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