Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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