remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
