Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
