so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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