why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
