I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
