i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just had sex bonerless
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
