I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
