She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
