I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
