Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
