No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
