I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
