There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
