theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
