Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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