evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Terrible idea I love it
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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