All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
