Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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