I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
