Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
