I want to walk on stilts...naked
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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