the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
