if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
