dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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