Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
