Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
