We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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