bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
