speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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