I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
