On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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