Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
