I met the friendliest cop last night
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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