At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
